Ingen tanker, men masser af gråd

maj 23, 2016 by

ADet har været rigtig svært for vores lille familie på det sidste. Store A blev jo pludselig akut indlagt midt i april, og siden da har der ikke været meget tid til fordybelse. Lysten har heller ikke været der, hvis jeg skal være helt ærlig. Jeg bryder mig ikke om at græde offentligt, ikke fordi jeg føler mig hverken skamfuld eller følsom, men hvis jeg først starter, har jeg svært ved at komme mig igen. Derfor jeg har også den sidste 1½ måned konstant forsøgt at udskyde reaktionen på al den sygdom.

Forleden sad jeg med min mand og drak en kop kaffe. Mens jeg rørte rundt med skeen, skete der pludselig et eller andet. Jeg græd, og kunne nærmest ikke stoppe igen. Det kom så pludseligt og uventet, for mine tanker var slet ikke på sygdom eller de der obligatoriske hvad-nu-hvis’er. Nej, jeg sad bare med min kaffe og tænkte på dagens gøremål.

Dagene er fyldt med udbrud som disse. Og jeg gør alt jeg kan for at flygte. Normalt er jeg hjemme det meste af tiden, men jeg har simpelthen ikke kunnet overskue at skulle sidde her og få alle disse følelser, uden at tænke tankerne og fordybe mig, så jeg er flygtet. Flygtede i biografen en aften, hvor jeg efterlod min mand med pigerne. Flygtede på café med buffet sammen med nogle veninder, hvor jeg igen efterlod min mand med pigerne. Og det har føltes godt! Godt at komme væk, godt at tænke på noget andet, godt at få grint, godt at få snakket, godt at se på andre vægge end dem derhjemme og på hospitalet og simpelthen godt at få voksentid.
Vi tog imidlertid til Paris, min mand og jeg, den første uge i maj. Det var en fantastisk Udsigt Paristur, men alligevel slet ikke som vi havde drømt om. Tankerne var jo på vores piger, og overraskende nok mest på lille L. Hun har virkelig taget storesøsters sygdom hårdt. Ikke på grund af selve sygdomsdelen (det forstår hun alligevel ikke), men fordi hun har været væk fra MOR. Det, i sig selv, plejer ikke at være et problem, men fordi det ikke har været forberedt, varslet, talt om, så har hun haft en frygtelig separationsangst efterfølgende. Så da vi kom hjem fra Paris, kunne jeg dårlig nok gå på toilettet, uden hun skulle med. Hun sov imellem os, hvilket vi absolut ikke praktiserer normalt, men det var nødvendigt for at genfinde trygheden om, at mor ikke forsvinder igen.

A. er heldigvis rask igen, dog med en åben indlæggelse – just in case. Nu bruger vi så tid på at bearbejde alle de ting, som er sket, og som skal ud af systemet igen. Det kræver en masse ressourcer, ressourcer som jeg ikke har på grund af mit helbred. Det giver derfor dårligt humør, kort lunte, dumme udbrud og en masse søvn. Hold op hvor er jeg træt!
Jeg har før lovet at skrive om A’s forløb. Det er ikke glemt…

Rosa pæon

 

God mandag til alle.

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