Om livet…

sep 3, 2015 by

Jeg synes denne uge har været præget af sygdom og død – ikke hos mig personligt, men i medierne.

Først læste jeg Allan Stages indlæg på www.chrichri.dk om hvordan han mistede sin mor, og derefter, kun 3 år efter, mistede han sin far.
Tårerne trillede ned ad kinderne på mig, da jeg straks blev ramt af den sorg det var for mig at miste min farmor, kun 2 måneder før lille A kom til verdenen. Min farmor var en dejlig farmor, kun lavede den bedste boller i karry, enebærgryde og de bedste pandekager. Hun var enormt gavmild, og så værdsatte hun virkelig, at man indimellem kiggede forbi til kaffe-besøg. Hun ringede altid på de mest upassende tidspunkter, men nu hvor hun ikke gør det længere, savner jeg det.

Jeg havde glædet mig til at vise min farmor vores lille baby. Vi vidste ikke, om det vi skulle have en dreng eller pige, så hun var spændt på vores vegne og gættede på, at det var en pige. Hun fik ret.
Da min farmor døde, var jeg naturligvis ramt af sorg. Men midt i sorgen blev jeg samtidig ramt af en grim følelse af jalousi. Min bror havde nemlig 1½ år forinden fået sit første barn, og det havde min farmor nydt, holdt, givet gaver og været oldemor for. Min lille A har aldrig haft en levende oldemor. Jeg elskede min farmor og ville så gerne dele vores lille baby med hende, men det nåede vi ikke. Jeg var jaloux. Jaloux over at min niece at have min farmor som oldemor.
Det har naturligvis aldrig ændret mit forhold til min bror, og jeg trøster mig med, at jeg kan se min farmor i lille A. De ville have elsket hinanden – lige glad for slik og kage.

Nå, men så har jeg ellers fulgt med i serien “Ro i sjælen” på DR. Her følger man Henrik, Karina, Vinni og Torben som alle er ramt af uhelbredelig kræft. I går blev sidste afsnit vist, og jeg græd (igen) som pisket. Henrik og Karina er i 40’erne og har små børn, men også en dødsdom hængende over hovedet.
Vi ved alle, at vi skal dø, men vi har også alle en forventning om, at der går laaaaang tid, før det sker.
Jeg fik inderligt ondt af dem. Af deres børn. Ondt af deres situation.
Og så begyndte det at vække tanker i mig om min situation. Så græd jeg endnu mere.
For et år siden fortalte min reumatolog mig, at når man lider af Morbus Sjögren, har man en øget risiko for non-Hodgkin lymfom – kræft! Han ville ikke sige k-ordet, men eftersom jeg selv har arbejdet på en hæmatologisk/onkologisk afdeling, var det ikke ukendt for mig.
Jeg har en øget risiko for at få kræft.

At se det her, sort på hvidt, gør det mere virkeligt for mig. Jeg har ikke fået konstateret noget, men bliver tjekket en gang om året fordi sandsynligheden foreligger. Tanken gør ondt. Og spørgsmålene hober sig op: HVORFOR MIG? Hvorfor kan jeg ikke nøjes med at have diabetes? Hvorfor skal jeg rammes af SÅ mange sygdomme?
Det er irrationelle spørgsmål, I know. Men jeg bruger alligevel meget tid på det dagligt.

Beskeden om denne risiko fik mig til at indse, at der var nogle ting i vores dagligdag der skulle ændres. Først og fremmest skulle vi rydde op – ud med alle de ting som skabte rod. Vi skulle have orden. Hvis mor en dag ikke er her længere, så skal far ikke stå med en masse ting og 2 små børn. Der er sket meget, vi har virkelig minimaliseret.
Næste fokusområde var pigerne – jeg besluttede, at pigerne skulle nydes, kysses, krammes og grines med meget mere. Så når de bliver hentet fra dagpleje/børnehave, så skal vi have det sjovt. Vi er stadig en normal familie der lærer vores børn at rydde op, handle ind og lignende. Men vi har meget mere kvalitetstid.
I går hentede jeg A kl. 13.00 fra børnehaven, hvor hun var blevet afleveret 4 timer forinden. Jeg havde fået klaret min dags gøremål, og så skulle vi hygge. Bare hende og jeg. Vi var på café – hun slog mig i Yatzy, som vi spillede sammen for allerførste gang. Det var fantastisk.

Vi skal have mange flere af disse dejlige stunder. Jeg er her heldigvis mange år endnu – dét har jeg bestemt mig for! Jeg håber min krop er enig med mig.
Ingen føler sig nogensinde klar til at sige farvel, det er ikke en naturlig del af livet at skulle sige farvel, og derfor føles det også så forkert.
Eftersom jeg arbejder hjemmefra, har jeg mange timer til at tænke tanker hver dag – alt for mange tanker. Som jeg har skrevet om før, og også tidligere her, så har jeg en tendens til at blive jaloux. Jeg bliver jaloux på de personer, som bare har det fantastisk. Dem der har mulighed for at rejse 4 gange om året, dem der aldrig bliver syge, dem der kan spise hvad de vil uden at skulle tænke på insulin og blodsukre, dem der kan shoppe amok og stadig har råd til at spise mad 😀
Ja, jeg er blevet jaloux. Sådan er jeg ikke opdraget. Det har aldrig været mig. Før jeg blev syg… Den dumme sygdom har givet mig så mange bekymringer, så mange begrænsninger – både fysisk og økonomisk – og så har jeg aldrig fri fra den. Den er der bare ALTID!
Jeg skal lære at acceptere det, og være tilfreds. Det kommer til at tage lang tid. Jeg håber det lykkes. Det bliver hårdt. Jeg håber det lykkes…

 

Baggrund-rosa-lyng.jpg
Nyd livet, nyd dine børn, nyd dit helbred, nyd dine muligheder, nyd hver dag du har. Det gør jeg, jeg prøver i hvert fald – selvom jeg indimellem har lyst til at give op. Men en quitter, dét er jeg ikke!

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