Om livet…

sep 3, 2015 by

Jeg synes denne uge har været præget af sygdom og død – ikke hos mig personligt, men i medierne.

Først læste jeg Allan Stages indlæg på www.chrichri.dk om hvordan han mistede sin mor, og derefter, kun 3 år efter, mistede han sin far.
Tårerne trillede ned ad kinderne på mig, da jeg straks blev ramt af den sorg det var for mig at miste min farmor, kun 2 måneder før lille A kom til verdenen. Min farmor var en dejlig farmor, kun lavede den bedste boller i karry, enebærgryde og de bedste pandekager. Hun var enormt gavmild, og så værdsatte hun virkelig, at man indimellem kiggede forbi til kaffe-besøg. Hun ringede altid på de mest upassende tidspunkter, men nu hvor hun ikke gør det længere, savner jeg det.

Jeg havde glædet mig til at vise min farmor vores lille baby. Vi vidste ikke, om det vi skulle have en dreng eller pige, så hun var spændt på vores vegne og gættede på, at det var en pige. Hun fik ret.
Da min farmor døde, var jeg naturligvis ramt af sorg. Men midt i sorgen blev jeg samtidig ramt af en grim følelse af jalousi. Min bror havde nemlig 1½ år forinden fået sit første barn, og det havde min farmor nydt, holdt, givet gaver og været oldemor for. Min lille A har aldrig haft en levende oldemor. Jeg elskede min farmor og ville så gerne dele vores lille baby med hende, men det nåede vi ikke. Jeg var jaloux. Jaloux over at min niece at have min farmor som oldemor.
Det har naturligvis aldrig ændret mit forhold til min bror, og jeg trøster mig med, at jeg kan se min farmor i lille A. De ville have elsket hinanden – lige glad for slik og kage.

Nå, men så har jeg ellers fulgt med i serien “Ro i sjælen” på DR. Her følger man Henrik, Karina, Vinni og Torben som alle er ramt af uhelbredelig kræft. I går blev sidste afsnit vist, og jeg græd (igen) som pisket. Henrik og Karina er i 40’erne og har små børn, men også en dødsdom hængende over hovedet.
Vi ved alle, at vi skal dø, men vi har også alle en forventning om, at der går laaaaang tid, før det sker.
Jeg fik inderligt ondt af dem. Af deres børn. Ondt af deres situation.
Og så begyndte det at vække tanker i mig om min situation. Så græd jeg endnu mere.
For et år siden fortalte min reumatolog mig, at når man lider af Morbus Sjögren, har man en øget risiko for non-Hodgkin lymfom – kræft! Han ville ikke sige k-ordet, men eftersom jeg selv har arbejdet på en hæmatologisk/onkologisk afdeling, var det ikke ukendt for mig.
Jeg har en øget risiko for at få kræft.

At se det her, sort på hvidt, gør det mere virkeligt for mig. Jeg har ikke fået konstateret noget, men bliver tjekket en gang om året fordi sandsynligheden foreligger. Tanken gør ondt. Og spørgsmålene hober sig op: HVORFOR MIG? Hvorfor kan jeg ikke nøjes med at have diabetes? Hvorfor skal jeg rammes af SÅ mange sygdomme?
Det er irrationelle spørgsmål, I know. Men jeg bruger alligevel meget tid på det dagligt.

Beskeden om denne risiko fik mig til at indse, at der var nogle ting i vores dagligdag der skulle ændres. Først og fremmest skulle vi rydde op – ud med alle de ting som skabte rod. Vi skulle have orden. Hvis mor en dag ikke er her længere, så skal far ikke stå med en masse ting og 2 små børn. Der er sket meget, vi har virkelig minimaliseret.
Næste fokusområde var pigerne – jeg besluttede, at pigerne skulle nydes, kysses, krammes og grines med meget mere. Så når de bliver hentet fra dagpleje/børnehave, så skal vi have det sjovt. Vi er stadig en normal familie der lærer vores børn at rydde op, handle ind og lignende. Men vi har meget mere kvalitetstid.
I går hentede jeg A kl. 13.00 fra børnehaven, hvor hun var blevet afleveret 4 timer forinden. Jeg havde fået klaret min dags gøremål, og så skulle vi hygge. Bare hende og jeg. Vi var på café – hun slog mig i Yatzy, som vi spillede sammen for allerførste gang. Det var fantastisk.

Vi skal have mange flere af disse dejlige stunder. Jeg er her heldigvis mange år endnu – dét har jeg bestemt mig for! Jeg håber min krop er enig med mig.
Ingen føler sig nogensinde klar til at sige farvel, det er ikke en naturlig del af livet at skulle sige farvel, og derfor føles det også så forkert.
Eftersom jeg arbejder hjemmefra, har jeg mange timer til at tænke tanker hver dag – alt for mange tanker. Som jeg har skrevet om før, og også tidligere her, så har jeg en tendens til at blive jaloux. Jeg bliver jaloux på de personer, som bare har det fantastisk. Dem der har mulighed for at rejse 4 gange om året, dem der aldrig bliver syge, dem der kan spise hvad de vil uden at skulle tænke på insulin og blodsukre, dem der kan shoppe amok og stadig har råd til at spise mad 😀
Ja, jeg er blevet jaloux. Sådan er jeg ikke opdraget. Det har aldrig været mig. Før jeg blev syg… Den dumme sygdom har givet mig så mange bekymringer, så mange begrænsninger – både fysisk og økonomisk – og så har jeg aldrig fri fra den. Den er der bare ALTID!
Jeg skal lære at acceptere det, og være tilfreds. Det kommer til at tage lang tid. Jeg håber det lykkes. Det bliver hårdt. Jeg håber det lykkes…

 

Baggrund-rosa-lyng.jpg
Nyd livet, nyd dine børn, nyd dit helbred, nyd dine muligheder, nyd hver dag du har. Det gør jeg, jeg prøver i hvert fald – selvom jeg indimellem har lyst til at give op. Men en quitter, dét er jeg ikke!

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

38 Comments

  1. I just want to tell you that I am just newbie to blogging and actually loved your blog. Most likely I’m want to bookmark your blog . You amazingly come with superb articles. Kudos for sharing your blog site.

  2. Was required to give you that not much remark to appreciate it just as before for these spectacular techniques you’ve got provided on this page. It’s so particularly generous with normal folks that you to provide unreservedly what many people would have marketed as a possible e-book to earn some dough for their own end, primarily considering that you may have tried it if you wanted. The tactics also acted being fantastic way to know that everyone’s similar desire equally as my to understand significantly more regarding this condition. I’m sure there are many more pleasing opportunities at the start if you go through your blog post post.

  3. I¡¦m now not positive where you’re getting your information, however good topic. I must spend some time finding out much more or working out more. Thanks for wonderful information I was in search of this info for my mission.

  4. I have recently started a blog, the info you provide on this site has helped me greatly. Thanks for all of your time & work.

  5. Valuable information. Fortunate me I found your site by accident, and I’m shocked why this accident did not came about in advance! I bookmarked it.

  6. I¡¦m not sure the place you are getting your info, but good topic. I needs to spend a while learning more or understanding more. Thanks for wonderful info I was looking for this info for my mission.

  7. Definitely, what a great site and educative posts, I definitely will bookmark your site.All the Best!

  8. Usually I do not read post on blogs, however I wish to say that this write-up very pressured me to take a look at and do so! Your writing taste has been surprised me. Thank you, very nice article.

  9. I have been absent for a while, but now I remember why I used to love this web site. Thanks , I¡¦ll try and check back more frequently. How frequently you update your website?

  10. Whats Going down i’m new to this, I stumbled upon this I have found It positively useful and it has helped me out loads. I’m hoping to give a contribution & assist other customers like its helped me. Great job.

  11. Thanks for sharing excellent informations. Your website is so cool. I’m impressed by the details that you have on this blog. It reveals how nicely you understand this subject. Bookmarked this web page, will come back for more articles. You, my pal, ROCK! I found just the information I already searched all over the place and simply couldn’t come across. What an ideal site.

  12. Very efficiently written article. It will be helpful to anyone who utilizes it, as well as myself. Keep doing what you are doing – can’r wait to read more posts.

  13. I¡¦ve learn some good stuff here. Definitely price bookmarking for revisiting. I surprise how much attempt you place to create any such excellent informative site.

  14. I am writing to make you be aware of what a superb encounter my wife’s princess experienced viewing your web site. She came to understand lots of things, most notably what it is like to have a wonderful teaching character to get other people effortlessly have an understanding of specific complicated things. You actually surpassed readers’ expectations. I appreciate you for delivering the good, healthy, explanatory and cool tips on that topic to Lizeth.

  15. Thanks for another informative site. Where else may just I am getting that type of info written in such an ideal manner? I’ve a project that I am simply now working on, and I have been at the glance out for such info.

  16. You actually make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this matter to be really something that I think I would never understand. It seems too complex and extremely broad for me. I’m looking forward for your next post, I will try to get the hang of it!

  17. Hey There. I found your blog using msn. This is an extremely well written article. I will be sure to bookmark it and come back to read more of your useful info. Thanks for the post. I’ll definitely comeback.

  18. I do not even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was good. I do not know who you are but certainly you are going to a famous blogger if you aren’t already 😉 Cheers!

  19. Hiya, I am really glad I have found this info. Today bloggers publish just about gossips and web and this is really irritating. A good site with interesting content, this is what I need. Thank you for keeping this web site, I will be visiting it. Do you do newsletters? Cant find it.

  20. Usually I don’t read post on blogs, however I wish to say that this write-up very pressured me to take a look at and do it! Your writing style has been surprised me. Thank you, very great article.

  21. My spouse and i got so thrilled that Edward could conclude his investigations from the precious recommendations he acquired through the web pages. It’s not at all simplistic just to choose to be freely giving thoughts that many men and women have been selling. And now we figure out we’ve got the writer to give thanks to for that. The main illustrations you’ve made, the easy site menu, the relationships you can aid to engender – it is everything powerful, and it’s leading our son and us reason why this concept is satisfying, and that is truly fundamental. Thanks for the whole thing!

  22. Thanks for sharing excellent informations. Your site is so cool. I’m impressed by the details that you¡¦ve on this web site. It reveals how nicely you perceive this subject. Bookmarked this website page, will come back for extra articles. You, my friend, ROCK! I found simply the info I already searched all over the place and just could not come across. What a perfect web-site.

  23. F*ckin’ awesome things here. I am very happy to look your article. Thanks a lot and i’m taking a look ahead to touch you. Will you kindly drop me a e-mail?

  24. Helpful info. Fortunate me I found your web site by chance, and I’m surprised why this coincidence did not happened in advance! I bookmarked it.

  25. You are my inhalation , I possess few blogs and sometimes run out from to brand.I believe this web site has got some real great info for everyone. “There is nothing so disagreeable, that a patient mind cannot find some solace for it.” by Lucius Annaeus Seneca.

  26. hello there and thank you for your info – I’ve definitely picked up something new from right here. I did however expertise several technical points using this web site, as I experienced to reload the website a lot of times previous to I could get it to load properly. I had been wondering if your web host is OK? Not that I am complaining, but slow loading instances times will sometimes affect your placement in google and could damage your high-quality score if ads and marketing with Adwords. Anyway I am adding this RSS to my e-mail and could look out for a lot more of your respective intriguing content. Ensure that you update this again very soon..

  27. I think this site has some really fantastic information for everyone :D. “A friend might well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature.” by Ralph Waldo Emerson.

  28. Thanks for any other excellent post. Where else may just anybody get that type of info in such an ideal manner of writing? I have a presentation subsequent week, and I am at the look for such info.

  29. Hello there, You have done an incredible job. I’ll definitely digg it and personally suggest to my friends. I am sure they’ll be benefited from this web site.

  30. Wonderful paintings! This is the kind of information that are supposed to be shared across the internet. Disgrace on Google for no longer positioning this put up upper! Come on over and talk over with my website . Thanks =)

  31. As I website possessor I believe the content material here is rattling great , appreciate it for your hard work. You should keep it up forever! Good Luck.

  32. you’re really a excellent webmaster. The web site loading speed is incredible. It sort of feels that you are doing any distinctive trick. Also, The contents are masterwork. you have performed a great job in this topic!

  33. Wonderful beat ! I wish to apprentice while you amend your website, how could i subscribe for a blog site? The account aided me a acceptable deal. I had been tiny bit acquainted of this your broadcast offered bright clear idea

  34. I see something really interesting about your site so I saved to favorites .

  35. I dugg some of you post as I cerebrated they were invaluable very beneficial

  36. Keep functioning ,fantastic job!

  37. Its like you read my mind! You seem to know a lot about this, like you wrote the book in it or something. I think that you can do with a few pics to drive the message home a bit, but other than that, this is magnificent blog. A great read. I will definitely be back.

  38. Lovely site! I am loving it!! Will come back again. I am bookmarking your feeds also

Leave a Reply

Din e-mailadresse vil ikke blive publiceret. Krævede felter er markeret med *